I started doing Doula work when Buddy Boy was a little over a year. We were unsure whether or not we would have more kids, but thought we may be done after I had two miscarriages. Well, a week after my doula training I realized I was pregnant with Baby C. I tried to attend a few births but between morning sickness and little ones at home, it was very hard on me. So I took the rest of the year off and started attending births again when Baby C was 6 months old. It was even harder. I love being a doula but between pumping, being away from the baby, and trying to find a sitter for all my kids for an unknown length of time it was all too much. I again decided to take another break. I was contacted by a few people in mid October last year who needed a doula and decided to go to a few interviews... I figured if it was meant to be, it would be. I guess it wasn't, because before I even made it to the interviews I found out I was pregnant again with Baby #4. I knew then that I wasn't suppose to be a doula at this stage of my life.
It is sad for me but I know again, that I need to be at home with my kids in order for our family to run smoothly and for there to be peace in our household. I also know that life goes through stages and that although at this time I can't do doula work, one day I will find myself back in the birth world. I still have dreams of where I want to be, they are just not part of my reality right now.
Lately I have been stuck in this limbo between my "ideal" life and reality.
All in all, my life is awesome. I love where I am and how we have gotten here. But there are some things that are coming up that I always thought would go one way... and now they are going another.
It bums me out because I feel like most of the reason they are going another way is because of me. But I am to the point where I have to do what is best for me and the peace in our household.
Are you following??
Here is what I am beginning to see as reality...
For the last few years we have planned to home school our kids. I took Bubba Love out of preschool and home schooled the kids this year. It has been fun(ish), but really exhausting and trying on me. I LOVE my kids and I want to spend time with them, but I think we are all ready for a break from each other. The sibling fighting and rivalry have gotten out of control lately and I think it is because they are ALWAYS together. I can't take it anymore and I have started to loose my patience. Not to mention the fact that I am going to be adding another baby to mix. Mama needs some help! Soooooo after a lot of prayer and a lot of discussion, Daddy and I have decided to put both of the kids into school next year. Bubba Love into kindergarten and Buddy Boy into preschool. It makes me sad just thinking about it... all the reasons we wanted to home school and all the reasons I really don't like public school. But when looking at the whole picture, sending them to school is going to be best for our home right now. Maybe that will change in a few years... we shall see.
Food Cravings: BLT's... Although I am always craving bacon!!
Memorable moments: My midwife told me this week that she thinks that baby is already over 6lbs! I am now planning on a Buddy Boy size baby (big)... which is fine with me, size doesn't matter as long as baby is healthy! It makes me wonder if this baby will also have Buddy Boy's traits... blonde hair, blue eyes, light skin... since the other two kiddos were smaller and both look alike.
Planning: Deep cleaning and organizing. Washed girl clothes but still need to wash boy clothes.
Emotions: Getting excited!! You know last week when I said we had a busy June and time would fly... yeah, I have a feeling that isn't going to be the case! I am anxious to get this show on the road.
What I am looking forward to: A busy week with the kids. Trying to spend some quality time with the kids while I can.